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Post by |[guth]| on Jun 10, 2006 12:32:20 GMT -5
At Ryu's request, I'm posting the Guide to Being a N00b that I wrote recently for .hack//ENCRYPTION. Apparently he thinks it's better than his. I'm inclined to agree, but I wouldn't say so. ">>
About the Manaul... Just don't ask. No one on .h//E will ever live down the Manaul. I'd add some tacky suffix like "of DYUUUM," but anyone who knows what the Manaul is could tell you it doesn't need it.
Enjoy.
[---]
Welcome children, one and all, to Guthie's Guide to Being a N00b. In today's brief lesson you all will learn to hone your skills of utter n00bosity to perfection. And yes, children, it's free. Congratulate yourselves, as you have stumbled upon a tome of immense knowledge, comparable to the Manaul in the power contained within.
But now that your jubilation has doubtless sent you into seizures of excitement, let's begin.
1) Always, always misspell whenever possible. Use Internet slang like "u" and "r" and "2" instead of "you" and "are" and "to/too," and transpose letters constantly: "omg r u seruis?"
2) Use lots of exclamation points; the more the better. In addition, never forget to occasionally miss the Shift key and hit Return (That's "Enter" for you people with up-to-date computers, which I know all of you n00blets-in-training have): "lol ya rihgt!!1
!!1!"
3) Punctuation, other than the vital exclamation points, is old fashioned and should be banished to the dark ages before you geniuses came along and rewrote the English language. Never, under any circumstances, touch the period or comma key. The apostrophe should only be used incorrectly, e.g., "her's" instead of "hers." God forbid you should ever stoop to using the colon or semi-colon. They are unholy tools of Satan and should be treated with proper disgust: "ya i no wut u meen cuz liek yetsrdai i amlost got hit bi a car lol it wus freekn scray!111"
Now that we have the mandatory N00b grammar out of the way, let's move on the the ever popular N00b roleplaying techniques. These will always impress your friends, as they show that you're at the peak of n00bosity and thus waaaay cooler than them.
4) You have psychic powers and can see into the past. You always know exactly what's going on when you enter an area, right down to details that happened an hour ago. Not only that, but when you come in and comment on the aforementioned details all of your n00b friends realise that you are using your aforementioned psychic powers and respond accordingly. Confusion, for a n00b, is not cool. You should know what's going on at all times, regardless of whether or not it's remotely possible.
5) In addition to your psychic powers, you are invincible. No one, no matter what level, can kill you. But you are also the epitome of fighting prowess and can kill anyone else--even your other n00b buddies. Someone thirty levels higher than you assaults you with an apocalyptic strike of doom? Pfft. Loser. You're faster than they could ever dream of being and simply "dodge" out of the way. Someone with fifty times your strength crushes your empty little skull into oblivion? Pah. "Block." All those morons should just bow and kiss your feet--you are the only one who actually knows how to fight on this damn site. All the others are just wannabes.
6) So you're psychic and a god. Y'know what? It gets even better. You are also unbound by any rules of reality. You can jump a hundred feet in the air without even thinking about it. You can make your flimsy n00b sword cut through adamantium on an off day. Heck, you can even catch arrows out of the air. With your teeth. Boo yeah. Beat that.
7) You, my n00blet friend, are the epitome of drama. Your character's plot makes all others pale into oblivion in comparison. Your hackneyed, copy-of-some-overpopular-manga plot is the end all and be all of plot awesomeness, and no idiot who actually applied his withering intelligence to creating something mildly original could have made something better than your carbon copy of Naruto or Bleach. In fact, if your RPG's site has a plot running, it's probably stupid. You're entirely licenced to ignore it and play your stupid crap with your n00b buddies. They should all just bow to your superiority anyway.
8) Speaking of hackneyed manga plots, how 'bout some overdone manga characters? Of course you can copy them. In fact, you're required to do so by n00b law. Pick your favourite Dragon Ball Z character, or maybe that guy that everyone loves on Full Metal Alchemist. But get this--you have the option of either playing them exactly like how they were in the manga and thus irritate the hell out of all those stupid administrators and people who really know how to roleplay; or you can do the polar opposite and play them completely differently! Love that evil badguy from Gundam? Make him a sweet, naive, flower loving twit so everyone who has a shred of sense will hate your guts! They're just jealous of your genius and superiority.
9) You, my friend, are a stud. You are t3h s3x and you damn well know it. Every girl on your site is madly in love with you, even if they pretend not to be. In fact, the ones who pretend to think you're a godforsaken fool are obviously the ones most interested in you and trying their hardest not to show it. Pursue them and their characters with the utmost studliness, stooping to the point of posting pictures of your hideous body in Ninja Turtle boxers. You know how girls dig those Ninja Turtles.
10) Not only are your characters awesome, but obviously so are you. I mean, how could you not be and still create all those 1337 characters? Stupidity incarnate. You are a high ranking Air Force pilot, and you're only sixteen. You have the buffest bod known to mankind, or your unmitigated beauty is enough to cause even me to gape speechlessly. Not only that, but you can hack the DoD's networks and are at the top of your classes--either because you're an expert at the ancient art of real knowledge or because you know how to sweet talk all your teachers into not only giving you A's despite your failing grades, but to take you out to lunch for free.
11) And finally, the number one rule of n00bosity: SPAM. SPAM like there's no mañana--because with your utter stupidity there may well not be one. Use as few "words" as possible, maxing out at around twenty or so. And yes, that counts as a veritable essay. Pop into roleplaying sessions and make OOC posts that you could just as easily have sent over private message. Spew mindless nonsense in the middle of threads that, while clearly inspired by something in the thread in question, has absolutely nothing to do with the main subject being discussed. And always make sure you flame whenever possible. Let those imbeciles know who they are and why they and their ideas are stupid beyond all reason.
And that, my n00b friends, concludes today's lesson. Make sure you barely glance over it and reply with a flame or something that has nothing to do with this guide. All in a good day's n00blet work.
Good day, children.
[Inspired by Dante's original work.]
About the Manaul... Just don't ask. No one on .h//E will ever live down the Manaul. I'd add some tacky suffix like "of DYUUUM," but anyone who knows what the Manaul is could tell you it doesn't need it.
Enjoy.
[---]
Welcome children, one and all, to Guthie's Guide to Being a N00b. In today's brief lesson you all will learn to hone your skills of utter n00bosity to perfection. And yes, children, it's free. Congratulate yourselves, as you have stumbled upon a tome of immense knowledge, comparable to the Manaul in the power contained within.
But now that your jubilation has doubtless sent you into seizures of excitement, let's begin.
1) Always, always misspell whenever possible. Use Internet slang like "u" and "r" and "2" instead of "you" and "are" and "to/too," and transpose letters constantly: "omg r u seruis?"
2) Use lots of exclamation points; the more the better. In addition, never forget to occasionally miss the Shift key and hit Return (That's "Enter" for you people with up-to-date computers, which I know all of you n00blets-in-training have): "lol ya rihgt!!1
!!1!"
3) Punctuation, other than the vital exclamation points, is old fashioned and should be banished to the dark ages before you geniuses came along and rewrote the English language. Never, under any circumstances, touch the period or comma key. The apostrophe should only be used incorrectly, e.g., "her's" instead of "hers." God forbid you should ever stoop to using the colon or semi-colon. They are unholy tools of Satan and should be treated with proper disgust: "ya i no wut u meen cuz liek yetsrdai i amlost got hit bi a car lol it wus freekn scray!111"
Now that we have the mandatory N00b grammar out of the way, let's move on the the ever popular N00b roleplaying techniques. These will always impress your friends, as they show that you're at the peak of n00bosity and thus waaaay cooler than them.
4) You have psychic powers and can see into the past. You always know exactly what's going on when you enter an area, right down to details that happened an hour ago. Not only that, but when you come in and comment on the aforementioned details all of your n00b friends realise that you are using your aforementioned psychic powers and respond accordingly. Confusion, for a n00b, is not cool. You should know what's going on at all times, regardless of whether or not it's remotely possible.
5) In addition to your psychic powers, you are invincible. No one, no matter what level, can kill you. But you are also the epitome of fighting prowess and can kill anyone else--even your other n00b buddies. Someone thirty levels higher than you assaults you with an apocalyptic strike of doom? Pfft. Loser. You're faster than they could ever dream of being and simply "dodge" out of the way. Someone with fifty times your strength crushes your empty little skull into oblivion? Pah. "Block." All those morons should just bow and kiss your feet--you are the only one who actually knows how to fight on this damn site. All the others are just wannabes.
6) So you're psychic and a god. Y'know what? It gets even better. You are also unbound by any rules of reality. You can jump a hundred feet in the air without even thinking about it. You can make your flimsy n00b sword cut through adamantium on an off day. Heck, you can even catch arrows out of the air. With your teeth. Boo yeah. Beat that.
7) You, my n00blet friend, are the epitome of drama. Your character's plot makes all others pale into oblivion in comparison. Your hackneyed, copy-of-some-overpopular-manga plot is the end all and be all of plot awesomeness, and no idiot who actually applied his withering intelligence to creating something mildly original could have made something better than your carbon copy of Naruto or Bleach. In fact, if your RPG's site has a plot running, it's probably stupid. You're entirely licenced to ignore it and play your stupid crap with your n00b buddies. They should all just bow to your superiority anyway.
8) Speaking of hackneyed manga plots, how 'bout some overdone manga characters? Of course you can copy them. In fact, you're required to do so by n00b law. Pick your favourite Dragon Ball Z character, or maybe that guy that everyone loves on Full Metal Alchemist. But get this--you have the option of either playing them exactly like how they were in the manga and thus irritate the hell out of all those stupid administrators and people who really know how to roleplay; or you can do the polar opposite and play them completely differently! Love that evil badguy from Gundam? Make him a sweet, naive, flower loving twit so everyone who has a shred of sense will hate your guts! They're just jealous of your genius and superiority.
9) You, my friend, are a stud. You are t3h s3x and you damn well know it. Every girl on your site is madly in love with you, even if they pretend not to be. In fact, the ones who pretend to think you're a godforsaken fool are obviously the ones most interested in you and trying their hardest not to show it. Pursue them and their characters with the utmost studliness, stooping to the point of posting pictures of your hideous body in Ninja Turtle boxers. You know how girls dig those Ninja Turtles.
10) Not only are your characters awesome, but obviously so are you. I mean, how could you not be and still create all those 1337 characters? Stupidity incarnate. You are a high ranking Air Force pilot, and you're only sixteen. You have the buffest bod known to mankind, or your unmitigated beauty is enough to cause even me to gape speechlessly. Not only that, but you can hack the DoD's networks and are at the top of your classes--either because you're an expert at the ancient art of real knowledge or because you know how to sweet talk all your teachers into not only giving you A's despite your failing grades, but to take you out to lunch for free.
11) And finally, the number one rule of n00bosity: SPAM. SPAM like there's no mañana--because with your utter stupidity there may well not be one. Use as few "words" as possible, maxing out at around twenty or so. And yes, that counts as a veritable essay. Pop into roleplaying sessions and make OOC posts that you could just as easily have sent over private message. Spew mindless nonsense in the middle of threads that, while clearly inspired by something in the thread in question, has absolutely nothing to do with the main subject being discussed. And always make sure you flame whenever possible. Let those imbeciles know who they are and why they and their ideas are stupid beyond all reason.
And that, my n00b friends, concludes today's lesson. Make sure you barely glance over it and reply with a flame or something that has nothing to do with this guide. All in a good day's n00blet work.
Good day, children.
[Inspired by Dante's original work.]
